The Heroes Hideout

2026

Is It Over Yet?

March 12

Been awhile since I wrote anything. It feels like a lot has happened since my last blog entry. I keep having dreams about death. Family members, Friends and just people I've met in the past. I wake up most days with my eyes watering. I feel like I've become more sensitive I can't tolerate as much as I use to and I feel like a bother because of it. I noticed I'm more closed off and sticking with a specific friend group. I use to be more social, but it's been really hard to do so after certain repeating patterns beyond my mental issues. I have so many thoughts that I don't know how to express and the rare times I do it feels like no one cares. I wish I knew if I was doing a good job or if the stuff I do is correct. At times it does feel right, but other times there's a sharp pain telling me otherwise. Life is complicated. People are complicated. Often times I feel unheard by most people in my life, but maybe its for the best I don't have a voice since do I even know what I'm saying? I don't think people should listen to me. I doubt anyone reads this stuff anyway for an example I'm just writing it for me.

My inner moral conflicts aside. I reconnected with a friend after a year apart, I am very happy to have them back in my life. I can only hope to be a better friend. I won't say more than that since it's personal topic.

It's interesting how things turn out and the world works in general. Lot of personal conflicts I just didn't expect to turn out the way they did, but overall I am content with how. things are for now. My physical health has not been on my mind and it clearly shows. When it gets warmer it will be easier to focus on it.

Should’ve When You Could’ve

January 4

Since the last blog something unexpected happened on Christmas a family member of mine passed away. I won’t get too into it, but it’s surreal to process three family members of mine are no longer with us all within the last year. It’s a tough topic all I got to say for anyone reading this is that I’d recommend spending time with your loved ones when or if you can. I definitely regret not spending more time with mine. In other news I spent new years with my mom and step dad only for the first time in a long time since it’s usually all of my family members coming over for it, but this time we spent it alone together and it was nice. Not common at all to get to spend time together like that without a bunch of others.

Family matters aside I’m hopeful for this new year as always going to try working on art, video edits, coding and giving myself a break by gaming

2025

Another Year Upcoming

December 7

Once again it has been awhile! Been too busy to blog. Got some help with a condition I had to not get into it I’ll basically be able to regulate my emotions better which has definitely been the case. Went on a camping trip this summer made a cool new irl friend in the process. Made some new friends in general it’s been pretty nice. For the first time ever I 100%ed a game! Yooka Replayee technically I’d consider the Spyro Reignited Trilogy my first 100% or at least attempt too (did manage to do so last week just took a break from it and ended up completing Yooka Replayee first) I really love the game! Loved the original too nice to see it come back! Been in a big gaming mood these past couple months got into RetroAchievements nice having achievements in older childhood games of mine. Makes replaying them more fun than it already is! Besides gaming been really enjoying the recent movies coming out! Bad Guys 2 and Zootopia 2 within the same year is crazy! Going to see Avatar 3 when it comes out! With all that said happy holidays and I’ll just say happy new years now since who knows whenever I’ll blog again.
I had a good peaceful year overall despite not blogging much or being too active on my socials this year was mostly a relax and exist kinda year.

Still Breathing

March 21

Don't know where to begin. A lot of things happened so many changes I'm still processing, but I'm going to be okay. On a lighter note, been spending time with friends and family. In a massive art mood while still making time to play games and take care of myself. Overall pretty eventful stuff I don't really have a schedule for this just feels good to focus on myself and making myself happy even if times I feel like I don't deserve to feel this good. Falling more more in love with life and enjoying pretty much everything and feeling so adventurous.

Love Lost Hope Repeat

January 15

What a beginning of the year. I am hopeful since I've had my doctor appointment I'm finally going to get help with some issues I've been having.
I've been so tired and it's hard to want to hang out with people. Besides that I should be visiting some friends of mine next month or some time soon, Hopefully we will anyway.

It's been snowing a lot which on one hand its nice that it still can snow, but on the kther hand where was this snow during christmas? Hale doesn't like to drive in the snow so we can't really travel much lately
Other news is that I got a new iPad! My previous one was getting old and struggling to do simple things or was overall really slow about doing anything. Feels good to have this new one can't wait to work on stuff with it!

2024

The End Of The Year

December 31

Time really flies huh? I did a lot this year! Won't go into them all, but I experimented with different art styles, tried new foods and overall kept an open mind when doing new things. I met new awesome people who’ve really given me hope for this next year and in general. Happy new years! I will be spending time with my family when the time hits 12 AM! In other news my dogs just got back from the vet after getting fixed (they were kept overnight) they're quite tired from such events. I'm happy to have them home for the new year regardless!
I don't really have that many plans for this upcoming year, but I'm going to try and get a therapist and keep trying to improve myself especially my health both mental and physical.
Thanks for reading! Can't believe its been a year or more since I've had my neocities! I really love my website and I am happy others do too!

Finding Joy In The Little Things

December 17

So much to talk about that I don’t know where to begin. Been a mix of good and bad. I won’t talk about the bad stuff since it’s too personal so I’ll solely focus on the good for the most part with this entry.

I made a new friend who’s really helped lighten my mood in these tough times, such a bright personality it’s tough to be down around them! (Of course this goes for all my friends) Her name is Kaitlyn she is Ashley’s (Hale’s Sister) roommate and she gave me hope for my future while I was having a really rough period in my life as you could probably pick up on in my past entries. I’m excited to see the sonic 3 movie in theaters this month with her, Ashley, Hale and maybe some other friends if our schedules allow it! I am admittedly not too big on sonic, but it seems to be a tradition to just invite a bunch of people to see them with whenever another one comes out.

I do believe things are looking up for me despite the bad stuff going on as well I’m trying to keep a positive mindset. Of course I know it’s okay to be sad and all, but there’s good stuff pulling me through at the moment. I’m also doing better about setting boundaries, thinking about myself and not letting people walk all over me which usually I use to be good about that, but being down lately I just sorta let it happen.

Other news is that I recently came out as bisexual. It’s always been something I wondered if I was or not even if I didn’t out right say much about it to anyone since I’m not good with such topics, but the attraction for all is definitely there to say the least. I don’t really associate with the bisexual flag admittedly it doesn’t fit my experiences and purple simply isn’t my color so I might still use the rainbow. There’s also some nice color picked bisexual flags that change the color palette slightly (nothing too extreme of course I still want it to be recognizable) which I feel fit me much better personally so I might use those.

Something else I’ve been meaning to mention is that I have a new sona! They’re a night fury and I’m already heavily connected to them it feels really good to have a sona I can actually draw without a struggle since I’ve always drawn night furies for a lot of my life. A foolish thing about me is that whenever I’d consider having a sona I always had night fury in the back of my mind throughout the years, but I didn’t feel worthy enough to be one since the franchise described them as so powerful, rare and all. Despite the fact I knew in my mind I heavily identified as the species, my dreams and visions often have me as a night fury for some examples of what I’m talking about. Buster’s (the cyan colored dragon with the red collar you’d often see me get art of) long body and short legs and wide wings were actually inspired by night furies to make up for those feelings I have, but as to not still be considered the exact species.

What changed my mind about those (admittedly ridiculous) thoughts enough to commit to a fury?
For fun and to cheer myself up from recent tough life events I decided to rewatch those “how to make a fursona” videos and overall rewatch some old furry videos I liked in the past. Some of the stuff mentioned in those videos really clicked with me, such as “Maybe go with a species related to what got you into the fandom” Which for me was how to train your dragon. And overall those videos said some things that really hinted in my head towards night fury. I didn’t trust myself to design one so I waited for awhile to see an adopt that caught my eye either a night fury or a creature I could turn into one. That’s when this Kygore X Swampert adopt by risuchan004 came up. I immediately saw the vision and knew I had to get it for this! Pokémon is probably the most popular franchise I’m into which means a lot for me as someone usually into unpopular stuff and I’ve met a lot of cool people from it so mixing a night fury with Pokémon sounded like an amazing way to connect it to me further! Plus greatly increase my color palette beyond solid black. It just so happened this hybrid was of Pokémon I also felt connected to (more connected to Mudkip in comparison to their final evolution, but it still worked out amazingly!) I did do some design changes so it’d be more simple for me to draw/color like removing kyogre’s symbols I struggled with a name for awhile since I wasn’t sure if I should use my name since I already partially call Buster by it so to avoid confusion for now I went with something else which was “Hero” I decided to go with hero as someone who strongly connects with the protagonist of stories and heroes. So it felt right too me. You could also simply call them Xavier as well if you want since I understand Hero isn’t the most traditional name ever haha.

Also about me feeling like I wasn’t worthy of being the species I have to say this:
I feel the franchise definitely over exaggerated their power and stuff just to make toothless cooler. Which is common for franchises that are made for a younger audience to give the main character all sorts of powers and all. Night furies seem like a species from a design aspect in my opinion that wouldn’t win so easily in battles with other dragons and overall aren’t as powerful as the book of dragons would seem to suggest. Plus my whole thought process in general was dumb and I’ve definitely grown out of feeling that way, but I did implement this over exaggeration of the species in with this character. I’m not “ The unholy offspring of lightning and death itself.” too extreme!

Another thing I almost forgot to mention is another reason I didn’t go with a night fury for the longest time was because of my fear of the dark and night time as a whole so it didn’t make sense in my mind to go with a creature seemingly of the night, but despite my fears I do suffer from insomnia and for some reason end up sleeping throughout the day mostly a lot easier despite me loving the day and sunlight more than anything. Perhaps it’s because the sunlight brings me so much comfort I sleep easier? Eh, I won’t go so much into that anywho that factor in my mind could explain why I am such a species.

New Look

November 10

Recently tried out a site called Neospring which is meant to be a replacement for Retrospring (If unaware, it's a site where you can ask people questions basically) Anyway it has the ability to fully code your profile and I decided to do something different from my usual site layouts. In other words the light blue overall paw patrol look. I ended up taking a bit of inspiration from machinery, cars (toy ones mostly, but some real ones gave inspiration), garages and other such things. Anyway it ended up really clicking with me, feeling like a more mature proper representation of myself rather than my typical cutesy colorful paw patrol inspired site layouts. I loved it SO much that as you can tell I've changed the layout of my neocities as well! Theres still of course a childlike kinda look to it since I am often considered this, but overall I think it has a more mature sorta feel to it that works much better when I make more serious blog entries.

Speaking of which I did all this updated coding to help distract from all that stuff going on. Life has been a bit better though, Hale's sister came to visit for a day and it was really fun! Really helped lighten the mood while I've been down. I think I am recovering from all the stuff going on, but I may want space still. Don't assume I hate you or anything if I disappear for awhile.

Trying To Recover

October 31

A special family member and person in my life passed away, I already wasn't in a good place in my mind after I pushed some friends away from wanting to talk to me because I've been a bad friend. For a month it's hard to keep track at this point I've been feeling heavily dislocated from reality, my friends, my family and everything. I forgot who I was and didn't feel anything it felt like my teenage years all over again. Things have now gotten better and I talked about some personal things that have been building up in my mind for awhile, now I feel free even if still a little scared and unsure of myself. I will work on improving my confidence and be more open about whats going on with me rather than repressing my emotions to make others happy. For the past several months I've noticed I have been changing my personality to please others which I'm also trying to fix and figure out how to be myself.

I am sorry for the more downer blog entry compared to my usual writings and I know it doesn't compare well to the colorful fun site theme, but I want to use this blog more and actually write more properly what's going on with me for those actually interested in me

Big Number 20 & Learning 3D

September 4

A couple days ago (August 30th) was my birthday! Officially the big 20 years old!
As of writing this it's also my roommate's birthday (September 4th, yes our birthdays are very close to each other!) but he unfortunately is sick on today of all days so we won't be doing anything besides relaxing and letting him rest so he can recover. Once he feels better we will definitely go out and do stuff to celebrate!

For my birthday I celebrated my emulating some of my childhood favorite games. Mostly how to train your dragon related ones.
I've also been learning blender! Haven't made any models myself, but I have been messing around with posing pre-existing models (Like pokemon) and rendering them. Super excited to get into the realm of 3D!
On more of an annoyance news:
The image hosting site I use ImgBB has been failing to load images lately for the past couple of days, it seems to be slowly fixing itself, but if it keeps having these issues I might have to find/use another website to upload my stuff like filegarden. which would suck since I'd have to reupload everything to whatever site I end up using.

Americas Birthday & Artfight

July 3

Been AWHILE since I made any new entries.
I think it's been a whole month now actually. Crazy how time flies!

Anywho, It's the 4th of July! I don't necessarily celebrate it or anything like that despite me being American I'm simply not the biggest fan of fireworks. The most I'd do to celebrate is hang out with family and friends which is good enough for me!
I'm so excited about artfight! I've done several attacks already and it's only the beginning of the month! I plan on doing many more throughout the month and it's what will be taking up most of my time this month! With of course breaks to play games, talk to friends and swim in my pool since the weather is lovely out!
My local drive-in theater is opening for the summer and I'm really hoping to see some movies there!

Overall things are looking up! Removed some bad people out of my life and I'm focusing on my happiness and self discovering

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

May 15

For the past couple of weeks I was recovering from a sickness. Meanwhile I was doing voice calls with my friends which did make me feel better, but long story short some drama did go down in a way and it made me feel like shit even after my sickness was techically over. Luckily it's been dealt with hints the title of this blog.

It's been pretty peaceful since then, though I am still trying to process it all. Especially some of the stuff I confessed about that I never thought I would, but it did feel good to get it out of my system. Even if things didn't necessarily go my way and that did upset me for awhile I've processed these selfish jealous feelings and now I'm over it, just happy that we can all just chill now.
I know that last part might sound contradictory, but that's kind of how life is itself a contradicting mess.
In short: Stuff went down, but it's all good now.

On another note my partner has been helping me mod red dead redemption 2 it's mostly just mods to fix the end game and make John look properly like John instead of the weird black haired Arthur with a scar that we actually got.
I plan on streaming the game for my friends when I do play it and to take lovely screenshots. Very excited for the moding to be finished so I can begin this fun adventure with my pals.

Red Dead Neocities

April 8

My first entry, how exciting.
I finished my neocities on easter. It was a very productive couple months. Not just for the site, but for other projects in general such as art trades and browser games.

A big weight feels lifted finishing this site, I've been giving myself a well deserved break by playing red dead redemption online with my roommate!
I know the game never gets updated and is kind of a wasteland, but it's still extremely fun! I finally reached rank 10 collector and got the lantern for my horse! It's been really handy during the night so far.
I guess you could say Red Dead Redemption is one of my main interest currently it's a really great game series so far and I'm excited for a possible third game which I'm hoping takes place before the second game so we can finally see what happened in black water. Also simply because I want to see more of John since he's the face of the franchise for me no matter what.

Outside of Red Dead Redemption and finishing my site, I've been doing calls with my friends where we chat during the night. It's been very helpful to distract me from my visions that often happen when it's dark.
It's also of course been helpful for my roommate who has night shift where he's often bored during it.
Sure we have our long periods of silence, but I'm simply happy to know they're there if I start seeing things.
For the record: Yes I have hallucinations, not sure if it's a medical issue or whatever. It's not that alarming or effects my life extremely for me to bother talking about it with a professional and only mostly effects me at night. Just thought I'd clear that up for those wondering.

Glad we got that cleared up. Anywho I appreciate anyone who read this rather it be those who are my friends, genuinely curious about me or those who want to laugh at me I'm fine with that too I understand how humorous I come off as an adult with such a childish website, interest and poor grammer I'm just glad I could give you some sort of entertainment even if it's not the positive kind in my regard necessarily.

Random note: As of writing this the eclipse is happening! The dogs don't seem to like it all that much, but it's interesting seeing how dark the sky is getting at such an early time (3 PM) For those watching the eclipse good luck getting a nice photo of it or whatever you plan on doing

2023

NOTE: These blog entries are taken from my spacehey blog I thought I'd include them since a lot of stuff happened last year. I apologize for some of them are super short entries due to obviously not being planned on being added to such a site

Happy Holidays And Other News

December 30

Happy Holidays! Would’ve made this blog entry sooner, but I had covid for awhile and only just recently fully recovered
What’s new with me? Well my family got two new puppies, not really a fan of them as they’ll grow into big dogs and I’m a bit nervous around big dogs after past experiences. Regardless of my feelings I’ve still been taking care of them and bonding with them.
Also yesterday I saw the new migration movie! (I won’t be talking about spoilers don’t worry for those who want to see it) I remember seeing the trailer for it for the first time in the previews before the Mario Movie and safe to say I forgot everything that happened in the Mario Movie since I was just too excited about the migration movie!
It was definitely worth the wait! It’s up there as one of my top 20 favorite movies! It reminds me of a mix of secret life of pets and Rio which I love!
I know a lot of people aren’t a fan of illumination movies, but personally I love them and their simplicity

My Mom's Wedding

October 7

My mom got married today! I got to walk her down the isle I was super nervous, but it turned out alright!
If you’re curious the guy she married is someone she’s been with for half of my life at this point he isn’t my biological dad, but I still consider him my dad regardless! I had a feeling he was going to propose at some point, coincidentally I was thinking about when that’d happen the night before he actually did it! He proposed months ago though just forgot to blog about it since at the time I was quite busy!
Another ah-mazing fact! The wedding happened the same day as the PBS kids tv show Peg + Cat 10th anniversary! I drew this artwork for the anniversary even put cat in a tuxedo to pay sort of pay homage to that fact! I would’ve drawn peg too, but I mostly just specialize in animals plus I wanted to do one character really quick since the wedding did keep me occupied

Thinking Of Changing My Name

September 10

Been thinking about this for a long time
For the past couple of months I’ve been experimenting with a new name that I’ve considered going by for awhile.
I’ve been wanting to change my birth name (Cyan) for awhile since I’m tired of country folks:
- not knowing how to spell my name
- saying it sounds girly and that a boy shouldn’t have it
- thinking I’m lying
I just want something more normative legally wise so when I say it or have to write it down people don’t bat an eye
It’s hard for me to feel attached to the name since it was quite a random not really thoughtful name from what I was told with zero meaning. It will still sort of stick around in spirit as my username will always be Cyadical it’s just such a cool looking username I came up with years ago that I simply can’t get rid of! If you’re curious it’s a combination of cyan and radical! Radical always been one of my favorite words and I think I’m cool personally which is why I used it
The name I’ve been heavily questioning changing my legal name too is Xavier! Here’s some reasons why:
- I’ve always associated myself with the letter X for whatever reason I never figured out why, but looking into the letter more I learnt that it’s kind of like the inverted C with C being the 3rd first letter of the alphabet and X being the 3rd last!
- If I changed my name to this my initials would be XD and I think that’s funny, but outside of the fact it looks like that emoticon, it’s just cool looking initials
- I want a name that ends in er to honor my brother who’s no longer with us since his name ended in er being Hunter
I’ve been trying to get my friends and other folks thoughts on the name Xavier and if they think it fits me which is why I’m putting this here! Plus I thought it was interesting to type out!
[EDITED:] As you probably noticed Xavier is my name now since this blog entry! I'm happy to find a more fitting name for me and my family agrees it fits me

Happy Birthday To Me!

August 30

Today is my birthday!
I may have covid and be bedridden currently, but I’m trying not to let it get me down!